What do I want.

What the fuck is it exactly that I'm going for?

Andrew makes me happy. He genuinely makes me happy, I love being around him.

I don't know. I thought to begin with that he was fun and interesting and so smart. Sexy, so intelligent, well-cultured, beautiful, funny. I like being around him, and he can handle me. What's the problem then? Do I have it in me to be monogamous again?

I seriously have to talk this one out. Everyone who's at all close to me knows that a few months ago, in my life Neill was the biggest threat to a monogamous relationship. I wasn't in one, but if I had been, though I'm ready to be monogamous, Neill was the only serious threat to that.

And there is no one else. It's not like I'm iffy on Andrew because I'm so sure that there's ten thousand others I want. There aren't. I want to be with Andrew. I can say for the first time in a long time now that I genuinely want to be with him, seriously, in an actual relationship where nobody's cheating on anybody and everything's on the table.

And he's the only person I want to be with. There's nobody else that I feel like that about. I don't want Neill, I don't want...well, any of the guys I was sleeping around with (but I really didn't want them as far as a real relationship goes anyway,) I certainly don't want Stephen. I don't want Ian, I don't want Chad. Nor do I want Matt. I don't want anybody.

I think I'm just afraid. I'm afraid that this won't go right. Andrew and I were talking a few days ago and it was said that this is going somewhere. I told him I just don't want to cut..."ties" so to speak with the people I've been fucking around with for him, if this isn't going anywhere. He said it is going somewhere.

That means then that there are talks to be had. This means I've got to go home and call Matt and tell him what's up. I've not done anything with Grant, Drew or Chad in awhile, so there's no talk to be had there. Bob missed his boat, and I think he knows it, so that's one less conversation as well. Ian I think already knows there won't be anything between us, so really I just have to talk to Matt, Mike, and Neill.

Neill is the only problem. I'll do it. I will call him, that's not the issue. I think it's just a big step because I found it so hard before to be around Neill and not sleep with him. Not hard in the sense of can't do it, but hard in the sense of it sucked. I hated that, it hurt. That was hard to deal with, so this means owning up to the idea that depending on how I deal with him, we may not hang out again.

Christ, I thought sleeping around and keeping all of that straight was hard, I didn't realize that breaking it all off would be harder.

And it's not completely Andrew. I mean, he certainly is/was a catalyst to it, but it's time I did this anyway. I'd wanted to, and I've been ready to stop this and move on to real relationships anyway. So I mean, regardless of how things "go" with Andrew, this has to be done.

At the very least, I'm tired of keeping names straight.

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