I did not realize until I was out of the thick of it how much you fucked me up. I'm not going to get self-righteous and start with the "It was a gift because it made me strong," bullshit. It did make me strong and I'm thankful it happened but that's not what this is about, mother fucker.

I'm thankful it happened. I am. If I could go back knowing what I do now, and given the choice of it happening or not, it would happen again, because this has done amazing things for me.

But that doesn't mean it was right.

It was wrong, in every sense of the word. You fucked me up. It's just now hit me like a fuckin ton of bricks what you've done to me. I have done nothing but suffer for the last seven years as a DIRECT EFFECT of what you've done to me.

Rape victims don't die like other people. Most of us die rape victims. Many of us never fully come to grips with what our attackers have done to us, and though I'm definitely going to be over this in my lifetime, you have done damage that, while not irrepairable, will take me years to get over. I'm still dealing just like I'll be dealing twenty years from now.

For seven years I've been putting up with this shit. For seven years, I've been unable to be comfortable in rooms where the doors don't lock. For seven years I've had flashbacks that make me hurt myself when I don't even know it's me doing it. I've cut myself for seven years. Just a few days ago I finally got to having been SI Free for one year and three months, and it's still a struggle for me every god damned day.

I can't do things I want to do with people I want to do them to because of you. You've fucked up my sex life, my social life and my relationships with my friends. You've welcomed your poison into every section of my life and none of it has been left untouched by your tyranny.

I never did anything to you, and all I can do is hope that my love for you causes your conscience to think. I love you because Christ loves you, and if it doesn't make you feel bad to know that He will love you even though you did all that shit to one of His people, then nothing ever will, so this is all I have to hope on. I have a love for you that is bolstered by heavenly faith, and that faith comes from the knowledge that you will get yours.

I have absolute faith that you will suffer for what you've done to me. God does not stand idly by while people like you torture people like me with the idea that "God says this is right, and you want to go to heaven don't you?" God did not say that was right, and you had no right to do that to me or anybody else. I love you and you'll never see me attempt to do any harm to you, and you'll never see me encourage anyone else to, but you will be punished.

You raped me. You fucked me, you forced yourself inside me and it never stopped. You pulled out, but what you did forced itself into every part of my life, and it's murdered pieces of me. I've cut myself, I've had eating disorders, I've slept with people because I thought that was my only worth, I've gone the other way altogether and repressed myself sexually because I think I'm not allowed. I've had weeks where I didn't sleep for three days because every time I closed my eyes I saw you fucking me or beating me or doing any of the number of things you've done to me. I was fucked up because of you, and I want you to know that whether it's this year, next year, ten years from now, or after your own death, you will be punished.

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