This diary is not just about abuse.

If there's one thing I want understand clearly and perfectly, it's that this is not focused on only abuse.

This is about me. This is about things I've done and noticed in relation to my "healing." I talk about what happened, I talk about getting over it, I make jokes about child rape. This isn't funny and I understand that, but the second thing I want understood is that you can laugh about it or you can cry about it, and I'm choosing to laugh.

This is about abuse, vomitting, body image, cutting, loving, sex, abusers, victims, survivors, my family, my life. This is about the abuse I've incurred as a child and the abuse I've given myself. This is about my sex life.

There are things mentioned here that I've been asked, what do they have to do with my being abused, and to that I will say that everything I say has some relation to my being abused. Your childhood shapes you, and my childhood happened to be abused. I am an abused person, and there is not a section of my life untouched by this. I talk about times where I felt particularly happy that are unrelated to sex or love or whatever, and those are still related.

Overall, I'd say that where my other diary is one where I say things that I want other people to read, this is one where I say things that I think. This isn't my trying to make someone think about something, this isn't me trying to persuade others to protest. I'm not trying to make a point or get across a message. I'm not trying to make anybody wonder or move or do or vote. This diary was meant to be seen as a naked look at my innards, not only a naked look for those who read, but a naked look for me.

Maybe the'll inspire you to move or do or vote or whatever, but these are my thoughts, this is all I've got. My point with this diary was to have somewhere that I would force myself to be honest. I'm not going to pull punches anymore, and step around the issue. I'm not going to say "someone hurt me," when I know damned well that what I mean is "I was raped and had my head beaten on the floor." This is just honest introspection, where I've tried to eliminate the time between thinking something and saying it entirely. I've noticed that far too often I sit and think about what I'm saying about my childhood, and I don't want to do that. I want to put this out on a medium I can see and go you know, this is it. This is my thought on it, this is what I think about the whole event, this is what I remember.

I hope that this particular diary comes out as an area where I can put my thoughts and then look back later and see how they help my understanding of what happened. I'm going to make jokes about child abuse that aren't funny, and probably say things that I won't like later, but I'm forcing myself not to delete them because as this is a record of my thoughts, I cannot change thoughts I've had. I'm not going to try to be witty, or sound intelligent, or make up less caustic ways to say things. These are my thoughts as I'm thinking them, about not only my abuse, but also my thoughts that I don't say out loud, even to friends, and they are all I've got.

This is me, naked.

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